When I speak of this day I sometimes get comments like "has it only been one year?" To me, the events that occurred on October 28, 2012 seem like yesterday. The memories in my mind started after midnight when David and I sat down to have probably our first, and last, purely honest and open discussion about ourselves, our future, our fears, mistakes, and dreams. I had first met David a year and a half prior to this day. When I first met him and he smiled at me I felt something I had not felt in a long time. He called me the next day and asked me out to dinner. At that time in my life I was still with my partner. Although the relationship was basically over in both out hearts I was still with him and even though David's phone call made my heart skip a few beats and I wanted to say yes I declined and explained that although I wanted to I just couldn't. I often wonder if life would be much different if I would have said yes then. Our friendship continued to grow from that point on and I was blessed to have the most amazing, carefree, loving, fun, energetic person be a part of my life for the next year and a half.
When he moved in with me and we went grocery shopping for the first time together I giggle every time I think of that experience. It was the first time he saw my OCD ways and the first time someone actually found them endearing. We were checking out and he saw the look on my face as they were bagging the groceries. He didn't say anything to me until we were walking out. He looked at me with his smile and said as we reached the door "we are going to re-bag those before we put them in the car aren't we?" My heart stopped as I thought "oh crap, am I that insane and transparent"!
Now you must understand me a little before we go on....to me everything had a place...towels and clothes are folded a certain way and put away in color sequence and like colors go together and when bagging groceries - refrigerated items just can't mix with non refrigerated items. Now I am not the type of person to freak out on someone if they do not do it the way I like it. I recognize it is my own small insanity in life. I just redo it. I tried letting these things go but I may or may not have been known to get out of bed at 3am to refold the towels and put them with their like colors. I just can not rest properly knowing they are out of order.
With that said I looked at him and said "why do you say that"? He laughed and said "it's ok. I personally would have done it before we left the the store plus I liked watching you squirm a little". I could not believe it. He liked my craziness and had a little bit if it himself. I was in heaven.
David was an addict. I did not know to what extent of an addict he was at the time. He was the type of person that let every person see just a small part of himself and he chose what part that would be. I was blessed to be able to see many parts. I not only saw the good, but the bad, but also the hurting part that not many had the chance to experience. David did as much as he could to protect me from the drug world and the "dark side". His response to me when I would question him was always the same "Craig, you are too good for these things, the less you know the better, plus if something ever happened and you would try to lie for me - you would fail a lie detector test in a heartbeat. This way you remain safe and out of trouble." He used to jokingly, so I thought, call me Chrissy Snow until one day I saw that he had me in his phone as Chrissy Snow.
Anyway, one year ago the two of us sat down and cried together promising that life would get better between the two if us and that the drugs would come to an end. We talked about the future and what we both really wanted. We had hope and excitement. And then, he asked the question I should have said no to "let's party one last time". We did. The next morning is when I found out the extent of his drug addiction. He told me he sometimes uses heroine to "come down" and he apologized and said he was going to do just a little.
When cleaning the house I would sometimes find small prices of colored paper and would get frustrated thinking he was eating some type of candy and not throwing the wrapper away. It was at that moment that I realized what the "candy wrappers" actually were That I often found.
I relive that day over and over again every day of my life. His smile, his hand in mine, his head on my chest as we laid down in the couch to sleep. It all seems like yesterday. I will spare you the details of the rest of that day as no one should have to experience it in their lifetime. I will share this. I often wonder what people think or go through as they approach the end of their life. I believe it is some type of calm. That day was horrific. Once the paramedics arrived they pulled me away from him as they worked on him. They were nice enough to let me hold his hand. Granted I was that hysterical Italian "woman" and didn't really give them an option. The one memory that gives me a little comfort is right before.....well, you know....David's head turned towards me and he looked into my eyes and gave me a look I knew very well, tightened his grip on my hand, and gave me his reassuring smile that he was ok and oddly he looked peaceful and then let go of my hand. I knew at that moment he had left his pain behind and moved on to a place more peaceful.
I have had a lot of alone time recently and although a day does not go by that I don't think of David one thing he said to me has been on my mind and helping me. I would like to believe it is him here with me reminding me of this....He used to tell me the one quality he like and what attracted him to me was that no matter what was happening in my life I always had a smile even though my life may have been in turmoil and he liked the way I "handled life by just accepting it and continuing on". Although it is hard to move on alone after losing someone I know he would be disappointed if I didn't. Today, however, I think he will understand why a smile is close to impossible to put on my face but I also know that he would want me to continue smiling and keep moving forward.
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