Let’s Talk About Crystal...

This is a repost from my original blog from years ago. As I publish this particular blog know I will be celebrating two years clean on November 39th. 

Crystal Meth that is. Hell there is enough on the Internet about real crystal. As I begin this blog I want to start out that this is only based on experience and shows how powerful the drug can be and I am definitely advising against ever trying this or any drug if you have not done so. But hopefully it gives you a better understanding of those that are addicted to drugs.

I have been reflecting on my life and there was a time seven years ago when this reflect9ion hit home. I had recently celebrated my 40th birthday and there were over 100 people celebrating with me at my house to being so alone that i had to walk three miles in the rain because I could not think of one person I could call for help because I decided to go to a party at a house. I did decide to leave unexpectedly just before I drank my drink which was drugged and gang raped. How's that for a teaser to continue reading this post...

So I am the type of person that doesn't judge or say no to something without research and testing. About eight years ago I moved to DC for a job. For the first six months I couldn't make friends to save my life. I don't know what it is about that town but unless you know someone or get the right job it's hard to make friends. And Let me tell you I tried and it isn't that I'm not an outgoing person or ugly (did you see the line about 100+ people?). Anyway, I resorted to chatting online. This guy asked me if I liked to party. Well who doesn't like a good party? So I am all excited, go out and buy a bottle of wine (because you should never show up to someone's house empty handed), take the train from DC to Virginia, ring the doorbell and am ready to make friends. I quickly realize I should have bought a bottle of lube instead of wine. No one was going to drink the wine. But I saw about 15-20  of the hottest, naked men I've seen ever. The host invited me in and I nervously laugh and say "I guess you won't need this tonight". And that is when I learned partying to those that used crystal meth meant something totally different to those that didn't. The host took me aside and explained what was going on and said he understood if I wanted to leave. I looked around and noticed these hot men looking at me like I was a ten carat diamond and replied "this may sound nerdy but do you have a computer and a place where I can ask some questions before I decide". Did you ever say something without thinking? yea, i pretty much wanted to crawl in a hole at this point. To my surprise the naked host wrapped himself in a towel and took me into another room where I asked a million questions about the drug, the side effects, what one experiences, and what goes on at this type of party. I then went online and  researched the same questions to make sure he wasn't lying to me. Now, I must recommend the following decision is NOT one I'd recommend but based on my research I determined I wouldn't die from it. And we all know the Internet doesn't lie. I also took into account that these were the first people outside of my job that said more than two words to me and I said "sure but can i keep my clothes on for now". And that was how i came to experience my first "party". And no, no one drank my bottle of wine and yes, my clothes eventually ended up in a neatly folded pile in the spare bedroom. 

Now - I warn you - if you don't want to know too much about me you may want to skip the next two paragraphs. 

So meth users typically smoke this drug and what I found that I enjoyed about it is that it allowed me to do things I would never have the nerve to do but while still in my right frame of mind (so to soeak). Let me explain. There are some drugs that cause a person to have bad judgement or lose motor skills or hallucinate to where they are jumping off a bridge thinking they are jumping into a pool. What meth did what make me awake and alert. Granted those with hearty problems should take extra precautions. But again, if you never tried it I say don't. 

Additionally the drug enhances sexual situations and well let's just say if you would watch one of the hottest porns and think that mevers happens - well been there, done that, and probably created new ones or was some porn writers muse. I think this is part of where people's  addiction to meth come into play. I found myself going to this house every weekend to "party" with my new found friends. Why? And this is going to sound wierd but they were nice people who all held good jobs (we are talking lawyers, judges, managers, etc), the sex was awesome, and they were becoming my friends, meaning we talked about life, real things in addition to, we'll, you know. And plus, what else was there to do? I could have gone to yet another happy hour and tried talking to people only to be ignored or I could go spend it with hot, naked, nice guys. I chose the latter.  I looked forward to the weekends and never felt any side effects throughout the week. Now, I should say the people I met in DC taught me to set limits for myself when "partying". They'd meet for happy hour and continue through Sunday morning. Go home around noon and slept until  Monday morning. They made sure they ate and drank a lot of Gatorade. The one side effect is you lose your appetite and aren't thirsty. So you need to be sure you hydrate and nourish yourself otherwise you do start to feel blah and tired when coming down. So, as the newbie, I followed their instructions. This went on for about two months before I moved home to Pittsburgh. 

When I moved home I got back into my circle of friends and although I missed some of the people I met in DC I didn't think about meth again until about a year and a half ago (which was 4.5 years after DC - I point this time frame out because if you think about addiction if one did this stuff weekly for two months there should gave been some type of addiction created). I should mention that the people I met in DC never asked me to pay for or contribute to the parties although I offered but I had no clue what the drug cost. 

So back to a year and a half ago. My partner and I were going through a bad time and I went online to look around one night out of frustration and someone posed the question "do you like to party". I knew what this meant this time and saved my money and didn't putchase a bottle of wine. My reply was "yes, I've partied before. It's been a while though". So he invited me over. This guy and I became friends and have maintained that friendship since. Like those in DC he never asked me to pay for it until one day he was leaving for the summer and said he had extra stuff left over and offered to sell it to me. I almost had a heart attack when I found out the cost. It was a car payment! But $240 later I left with a gram in my pocket and said good-bye to my friend for the summer. This gram lasted me the whole summer because all I knew about this drug was the social aspect and surely was not going to ask any of my friends to partake in sexual acts with me. 

To my surprise there was, and is, a whole little community of "Tina girls" (my term for them) in Pittsburgh. Why Tina Girls. Well, unlike my DC friends and the one I just spoke of these people were on the side where addiction took hold of their life and they didn't have jobs and the only money they had was spent on the drug. Tina is the street name for the drug. I know, you're asking yourself "are you a Tina Girl now too then since you are jobless? No. I'll get to that shortly. 

So, in the past year and a half I admit, have befriended many of the Tina Girls. They are some of the nicest, non judgemental, misunderstood group of people I have met in my life. If you remember me saying there weren't many side effects to the drug physically. It is a mental addiction. And I can see how easily the drug can get a hold of someone. After my break up I lost many of my friends and the only friends I had were meth users. So I engulfed myself with them. I always had three rules when I started this drug. 1) do not reveal any personal information about yourself or bring anyone to your home. 2) set a time limit when you chose to party and no matter what when your alarm goes off stop and leave and 3) do not become emotionally involved with anyone that uses this drug or any drug daily. Well, I met someone and needless to say broke rule number 3 and rule number 1. In fact he moved in with me and didn't have a job so I supported him. What I did not know was that meth was not the only drug he used. Last October he died in my arms after using heroine to "bring him down" from the meth. Not one of my non drug friends have said they were sorry for my loss. In fact, at this time because of his death my "secret world" was revealed to everyone and people don't even speak to me now because of it. In fact, many even blame me for his death including many in the Tina Girl world. 

Shortly after his death (a few days) I went to withdraw money from my account to find a negative balance. I also found my savings wiped out. This was where I started to basically lose everything I had. My family wanted me to go to rehab because if my partner died I must be on that path. All but two members of my family stopped speaking to me because I refused to go to rehab. The two that supported me wanted me to go but knew they couldn't force me so they chose to watch me closely. 

It took me almost three paychecks to finally have a zero balance in my account. I moved home with my mother who was ill and needed financial support herself and just kept moving. I was depressed, didn't have any friends, and hardly any family. I then met someone in the Tina World that was without a home or a job. He was/is one of the nicest people I've ever met who also had a string of bad luck. So I invited him in to stay with me and told him I'd support him until he got back on his feet. I know - you're thinking I am just getting myself to a zero balance how am I going to help someone else. I never said I was brilliant. But I couldn't turn my back on him. Well, because of the stress, depression, and yes I went from partying monthly to weekly I lost my job. Why did I party weekly again versus once a month? They were the only friends I had. I know sad excuse but I never missed work because of it. What I didn't do was give 110% because of it. I also think I didn't give 110% because of the other factors involved as well. 

Well the guy I let move in with me and I have parted ways (three times now). He's a whole lifetime movie blog for later. The people I've met in Pittsburgh are nothing like the DC partiers. But one thing they are are nice and there if you want to hang out. Some of them that is. Now during these past nine months I haven't partied daily or even weekly. I found a second job in May but, unfortunately, because of some miscommunication, a lot of appointments, and me taking the power of my job for granted during my 90 review I was let go. If you do the math I'm still trying to get back on my feet financially despite what I brought in for three months. And I'm now paying for any extra-curricular socializing. Your thinking "we'll then stop paying for that stuff and you'd have more money". You are 100% right. This is where I can see where the drugs mental addiction aspect can take over quickly and where my lesson comes in. While at my moms she had to be put into skilled nursing. When I had my second job I also didn't drive and was trying to catch up with my bills that I hadn't paid for about nine months. Every time I did something even it was under a microscope by the two family members that stood by me. I know it was out of love and appreciate it but when I didn't have money they thought I should have or didn't do something I should have in their eyes it was said I must being doing drugs again. Even if I wasn't. Do you have any idea what it's like to do your best to prove you've changed and basically be called a liar? So, who did I turn to? The only people that didn't have any expectations or judgements...Yep, the Tina Girls. But do I do the drug daily? No. Sometimes not even weekly. Do I want to do it at all? Well, I am single and like I said...we'll leave it at that. But if I met people outside this circle or met someone that didn't use the drug I'd walk away in a heartbeat. But because I lost two jobs in one year the only way my family will help me is if I go into an in house rehab program for intensive therapy. This is not what I need. I need to have a roof over my head and a friend that doesn't do drugs. Believe it or not that is impossible to find right now for me. 

Which brings me to why I had to walk three miles in the rain. I spent Memorial Day and the fourth alone and drug free and was about to spend Labor Day the same way. Like I said I can be single and alone but truly alone is killing me. So I get invited to a party. I thought only three people were involved in this party. Those at this house have been partying all weekend and weren't careful. Long story short they were going to, and did, put something in my drink and use me like a pin cushion. As I started seeing people in mirrors and hearing voices my senses went up and counted at least 12 others at this house. I made the excuse I had to use the restroom and did t think about my drink I had brought with me. Thankfully someone there popped their head up from hiding and said "don't drink the drink they drugged it". Knowing how many people I saw there, already having taken one sip of my drink I became nervous and texted another friend and sakes him to call me and go along with what I said. He called I said I have to take this call and got dressed, went outside, and thanked him. I came back in and said they were taking my mom to the hospital and I had to leave. So I got out of there safely but the next bus home wasn't for an hour. I started walking it started raining. And I realized I probably have sunk to the lowest I can possibly get. 

My lesson - don't judge someone because they do drugs. And more importantly don't think you know what they need. If you're their friend because of who they are then continue that friendship no matter what. Because there may come a time when you could be their saving grace in life. The people I met are all just like me. Well minus a few. But they are all good hearted and giving people who have had everyone turn their back on them for one reason or another and let me tell you, loneliness is absolutely the most horrible feeling in the world. 

You may be wondering but aren't you an addict if you do this all the time or the drug counselors say if you try meth once you're addicted. Well the drug counselors haven't met everyone that does meth. As for the addict part, I have to be honest with myself and you - I don't know. I do know if I had a place to live, some financial help, and even just one friend to hang out with that wants to talk about something other than drug usage or do something other than use drugs then  the money would go to where its supposed to go to (bills), I'd walk away from the people I hang around with now and not party again easily. The one rule I never broke is the limit and timing rule. I still make sure I get done what needs to be done and don't cross the line to allow the drug to take over. I just don't have anyone else in my life.  And as a statistic, every person I spoke to that is a meth user that went to rehab still uses meth. When asked didn't rehab work? Their response was kind of but afterwards the people that accepted them were their drug friends. I know of two people that rehab helped so that a 98% failure rate. So if I know the problem and know how to fix it but don't have the means to do so why spend 30 days in a place that would drive me insane and be without my dogs when I just need to find a new friend and get back on my feet. 

So that's the most raw and pure I can get in a blog so far. There are people that just want more in life but get cornered to a label or lifestyle and that is what they become. Don't let that happen to people in your life.