Love Unconditionally?? I wish!

The reflection of our own self
can never be as perfect as
the reflection on crystal water.

I am a people watcher. When I watch strangers I create their worlds, make up a scenario of where they are going or what they are doing at that moment, and wonder about their pasts. Watching close friends is different game. You know their backgrounds, you know where they are in life, and you know how they act around you. What we do not know, and may never know, is what really goes on their heads! I think we all try to maintain some composure in life to allow others to see the best we have; I personally believe the reality is that we are all insecure and trying to prove something to not only ourselves, but mainly to our friends and family. I wish we could put all of our good and our bad on a poster and say this is me – love me unconditionally. I was once even afraid to let my partner see me my unconditional thoughts. Deep down I care more about what others think about me than I do about how I feel about myself. It is so important to me to make others happy, make them smile, that I often find I lose myself because of this insecurity.
If I were a woman in the Miss America pageant I would be the one that wanted world peace and honestly I do want to change the world for the better. Well, although I was in a pageant once (we'll leave that story for another time - I did win by the way) - I have never pushed myself to achieve the status, or position to be able to change the world. I work hard in everything I do, but always let fear stop me from thinking I could actually change the world or a large group for the better. I have to believe that if we try to change the life around us, then those that we affect will want to change the lives around them. We may not create a cure for cancer, but we can bring a sense of security, calm, and importance to those around us. I mean, after all, isn't that all we are searching for; to know we are important in someone else’s life? To know we made a difference to someone…to know we are the person they want to call to share good news.

Which brings me to the reason for this blog. I originally was going to call it P3rf3ction because I have always strived for perfection in life but then realized that my thoughts and stories were really about me striving for perfection when growing up but now I recognize that Perfection is something we will never achieve. I am at a place in my life that I find myself questioning everything I had ever known to be true. Throughout my life I have put myself second, hell, even tenth to help others. I have lost amazing relationships because of my inability to focus on myself and striving to be perfect in the eyes of my family and society.  And once a grave mistake is made you become judged by that choice and it seems everything good you did disappeared. And when I think about the past x number of years of my life (OK, I have a problem with age) I realized how many people have affected me positively and negatively and thought wow - here is my moment to hopefully change the world for the better - by sharing my stories hoping that it helps everyone recognize that despite everything being against you, there is always hope as long as you have faith and love. I hope you find them funny, enlightening, but most of all inspiring so that you will bring the sense of security, calm, and importance to someone around you.