P3RF3CTION

This is a repost from my original blog from years ago. As I publish this particular blog know I will be celebrating two years clean on November 39th.  Crystal Meth that is. Hell there is enough on the Internet about real crystal. As I begin this blog I want to start out that this is only based on experience and shows how powerful the drug can be and I am definitely advising against ever trying this or any drug if you have not done so. But hopefully it gives you a better understanding of those that are addicted to drugs. I have been reflecting on my life and there was a time seven years ago when this reflect9ion hit home. I had recently celebrated my 40th birthday and there were over 100 people celebrating with me at my house to being so alone that i had to walk three miles in the rain because I could not think of one person I could call for help because I decided to go to a party at a house. I did decide to leave unexpectedly just before I drank my drink which was drugged and gang rape

The reflection of our own self can never be as perfect as the reflection on crystal water. I am a people watcher. When I watch strangers I create their worlds, make up a scenario of where they are going or what they are doing at that moment, and wonder about their pasts. Watching close friends is different game. You know their backgrounds, you know where they are in life, and you know how they act around you. What we do not know, and may never know, is what really goes on their heads! I think we all try to maintain some composure in life to allow others to see the best we have ; I personally believe the reality is that we are all insecure and trying to prove something to not only ourselves, but mainly to our friends and family. I wish we could put all of our good and our bad on a poster and say this is me – love me unconditionally . I was once even afraid to let my partner see me my unconditional thoughts. Deep down I care more about what others think about me than I do about h

When I speak of this day I sometimes get comments like "has it only been one year?"  To me, the events that occurred on October 28, 2012 seem like yesterday. The memories in my mind started after midnight when David and I sat down to have probably our first, and last, purely honest and open discussion about ourselves, our future, our fears, mistakes, and dreams. I had first met David a year and a half prior to this day. When I first met him and he smiled at me I felt something I had not felt in a long time. He called me the next day and asked me out to dinner. At that time in my life I was still with my partner. Although the relationship was basically over in both out hearts I was still with him and  even though David's phone call made my heart skip a few beats and I wanted to say yes I declined and explained that although I wanted to I just couldn't.  I often wonder if life would be much different if I would have said yes then. Our friendship continued to grow from t